• Now and then you may recognize that there was a moment when you lost your integrity by letting something slip by that you should not have.

     

    This moment now lives as a 'silent thing' within you.

     

    Here is a procedure for returning to that fateful moment and have a Do-Over which literally changes your past and thereby creates an entirely new future for you, and perhaps also for the others.

     

    Suddenly, intimacy is recovered. You are back to being with yourself.

  • Recover Intimacy Process Thoughtmap

  • Recover Intimacy is a Process

    You can recover intimacy by recovering your integrity.

    You can recover your integrity by being authentic about your inauthenticity.

    1

    NOTICE THE BREAKDOWN OF INTIMACY: IT FEELS LIKE RESENTMENT... REGRET... DISAPPOINTMENT...

    You experience the breakdown of intimacy as a tension, a disconnect.

    The breakdown has been there a long time (3 seconds can be a long time...)

    The breakdown started when you 'let something slide by'. This is when intimacy was replaced by resentment.

    Follow your resentment back to the moment you let something slide by with this person.

    When you remember the incident, it is time to talk in person.

    2

    MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO TALK IN PERSON

    Messaging or email does not provide enough band-width for human interaction. To recover intimacy, meeting in person is best. If meeting in person is 'not possible'... then meeting in a video call can work.

    3

    REVEALING THAT IT STILL AFFECTS YOU MAKES YOU VULNERABLE

    Admit that you gave up on the possibility of going through a negotiation process with that person and coming out the other side.

    Admit that you gave up on yourself.

    4

    SAY WHAT YOU WRONGLY ASSUMED

    ...this is not about blame

    I assumed that you would do what I thought you said you would do.

    I assumed that you would not do what I thought you said you would not do.

    I assumed that you would read my mind and already know what I wanted without me having to say anything.

    I assumed that my assumptions were true and this changed them from assumptions into expectations.

    When my expectations were not met they changed into resentments.

    5

    EXPLAIN YOUR 5 BODIES AND YOUR

    4 FEELINGS

    (TAKE RESPONSIBILITY NOW)

    Emotions and Feelings come from your Emotional Body, and they carry useful information and energy about the needs of your other Bodies.

    Say, "I still now feel (angry, sad, glad, scared) because..."

     

    6

    SAY WHAT MISTAKE YOU MADE

    (TAKE RESPONSIBILITY NOW)

    ...this is not about shame

    I made the mistake of letting it slide by.

    I made the mistake of not saying what I wanted and needed to say.

    I made the mistake of abandoning my integrity.

    I made the mistake of giving up on myself, and giving up on you.

    I made the mistake of not saying, "No!" or "Stop!" or, "I want..." or, "I don't want..."

    7

    SAY WHAT YOU WANT

    (TAKE RESPONSIBILITY NOW)

     

    It is true that you are no longer in the past.

    It is equally true that you are stuck in the past at this moment.

    By returning in 5 Bodies into the Space where the intimacy was lost with the other person, it is not much different than jumping back in time (see the thoughtmap below). The Space is the same. The Space connects you and the other person through these two times.

    8

    START OVER WITH NEGOTIATING WHAT YOU WANT. SAY, "The way I want it is..."

    Use all the wisdom, intelligence, and experience that you now have - which you may not have had access to before - to start over at the beginning to negotiate what you want.

    Negotiate how you want it to be.

    Negotiate how you want it to become.

    9

    TAKE A NEW ACTION NOW

    Make a new action now, or make an offer for a new action now, or make an an invitation to the other person to share in a new action with you now.

    10

    THEN YOU ASK, "What do you think and feel about what I said?" THEN LISTEN DEEPLY.

  • Recover Intimacy Time-Jump Thoughtmap

  • Experiments

    RECOVERY.01 - Your Emotions: Indicators of Your Lost Integrity

    Your four feelings - Anger, Sadness, Fear and Joy - are continuous information and energy resources. More at 4emotions.mystrikingly.com.

     

    They are constant indicators of what is going on for you and around you right now. When you lose your integrity, when you do not say what needs to be said, you will feel one or more of the four feelings. And you will keep feelings them until you recover intimacy and reclaim your integrity. If you don't use your feelings immediately, they transformed into emotions that creates knots in your emotional body.

     

    For example, you might feel angry about not having set a boundary when somebody was accusing you, or you might feel sad that you didn't share your experience with somebody, or you might feel scared that there was a misunderstanding and you didn't clear it up, or you might feel glad and grateful about the interaction but you didn't express it.

     

    The EXPERIMENT is to ask your emotional body - your heart that feels feelings and emotions: "Where and with whom did I lose my integrity?". Wait for the emotions to information you: "I feel angry with (a person) because ... (this and this happens) and I let it slide by...". Trust your emotions to know exactly when and where you lose your integrity. And then go through the process of 'Recovering Intimacy'.

    RECOVERY.02 Let Nothing Slide By

    As the saying goes "prevention is better than cure".

     

    When you don't let anything slide by, you do not lose your integrity and therefore, you don't need to recover intimacy.

     

    Not letting anything slide by starts by being aware and using your 4 feelings - Anger, Sadness, Fear and Joy - moment-to-moment in your life. This is Phase 2 of Feelings work. It comes after you've been through Phase 1 of Feelings work.

     

    The EXPERIMENT is to notice when you are about to let something slide by - you will feel either angry, sad or scared, or more than just one feeling that is informing you that you are about to lose your integrity. At that instant, be honest with the person across from you. Tell them what you said or did or what they said or did that made you feel angry, sad or scared. Then tell them how you want it differently and make a deal with them about it.

    RECOVERY.03 The Wound Can Never Go Away

    The wound does not go away when you are healed. Instead the wound takes on a transformational purpose.

    You have become a different person due to the wound. The would was the way. It is the catalyst of your emergence into new capacities and faculties.

     

    This process is described in the article Wounds As Gateways by Anne-Chloé Destremau.

     

    Trying to ‘heal or transcend your wound’ does not give you as powerful results as using a ‘wound’ as a valuable gateway for learning new skills and nurturing new parts of your Being. Learning new skills and birthing new parts of your Being happen simultaneously. Regard your ‘wound’ as an invitation from the Universe telling you exactly what to practice to abundantly live full out. As the new parts of your Being are born, these are the parts best able to learn the new skills. It may seem like a paradox, but it is not. You can already do this. The undefended naked baby you were when you were born had the lungs that you needed to learn to breathe in a wildly bigger world than your mom’s belly. It is scary as hell… and it is possible.